ɥǝɥɥǝɥ

me: ˙dn pǝ*ɟ sı ʇɐɥɔƃ/lıɐɯƃ ʎɯ
caveman: holy crap
me: ˙ʇıɥs pɹıǝʍ ƃuıop sdǝǝʞ ʇı
caveman: how'd you do that?
me: ¿
caveman: hahah
how are you doing that?
me: ¿
caveman: i hate you
me: ¿ʇɐɥʍ ƃuıop
caveman: writing upside down
me: ¿uɐǝɯ noʎ op ʇɐɥʍ
caveman: nevermind
it must be me
me: ʞo
caveman: how is your gmail/gchat doing weird shit?
me: ˙uʍop ǝpısdn ʞool ʇıɥs ɹnoʎ ƃuıʞɐɯ s,ʇı
caveman: HAHA
fucker
me: ˙uʍop ǝpısdn pɐǝɹ oʇ ǝlqɐ ƃuıǝq sı sʇuǝlɐʇ ʎuɐɯ ʎɯ ɟo ǝuo 'ʎlıʞɔnl
caveman: mine too

Bailout vs. Base: American adulthood games might confuse me

...but I definitely know my American childhood games.

iridethej: yeah you're hoarding a cat alright
in a box
I can't believe he likes the box
me: it's so funny how he loves that thing
and how he jumps into it like it's Base
iridethej: Base?
me: when you run around and play tag, if you run to the thing all the kids designated as Base, you can't be It
if you're caught/touched
me: and when you touch the Base you go
"BASE!"
so everyone knows you're Safe
iridethej: hmmm
that doesn't seem right
but OK
Sent at 5:32 PM on Wednesday
me: me: hey
do you know what Base is
when you're playing Tag?
luckyvespa13: yah
you can't be tagged when you're touching base
iridethej: what does luckyvespa13 know?
Sent at 5:34 PM on Wednesday
me: me: hey do you know what Base is when you're playing Tag?
McKins: whatever u decide it to be... isn't it where u go to be safe from whoever is "it"
me: very good.
Sent at 5:36 PM on Wednesday
me: me: Hey do you know what Base is when you're playing Tag?
mr.poopypants: ??
me: what do you mean ??
haven't you ever played Tag?
mr.poopypants: yeah
ok then yeah when i've played tag i generally know what "base" is
but we didn't always play with a base
me: omg why do you have to be the difficult one?
ok so what is base?
mr.poopypants: it's the safe spot
where you can't be tagged
a la baseball
me: thank you
Sent at 5:39 PM on Wednesday
iridethej: I hate you all
ALL of you
Sent at 5:44 PM on Wednesday

He may be a chickenhawk, but he ain't no sausage

horsey: I was just reading some of Toney's ideas

(one of the directors)

he keeps writing scenes where "and then Horsey walks in with his shirt off like its completely normal"

fuckers, I don't even take my shirt off, and somehow there is already the joke that I take my shirt off all the time

its so infuriating ... Toney has a picture of himself on the beach, with a surfboard, as his profile picture ... and I have a decent picture ... AND I'M THE SAUSAGE IN THE SITUATION!

me: i think it's just you

why does toney have an e in his name?

horsey: I don't know

He isn't Italian

something else

Norse or something

lol

yo, what do you mean its just me

what about me screams, omg, he takes his shirt off all the time and acts like a sausage, so it would be funny if he walked in with his shirt off

I swear to god, I lean backwards and actually keep my shirt ON all the time, when everyone takes it off.

People didn't even know I was ripped till like December of last year, because my t-shirt rode up when I was taking off my sweater.

me: well for one thing

you like to complain about it an awful lot

horsey: ?!

me: so i think if you were to have a year where you glued your shirt on

you'd complain about it

and thus everyone would go, oh yeah, horsey, the guy who always has his shirt off

horsey: no, then it'd be, Horsey the guy who complains that his shirt is on

but I wouldn't complain about it

I'm only complaining to you

I don't say anything here

I just laugh

me: hmmmm

hmmmmm

hmmmmm

ok.

also, i think it's the way you walk around

you walk around with your chest puffed out

kinda like this:

horsey:Are you serious ... do I really

omg

I can't help it, my chest is out

me:

look

he's even brown like you!!

Of mice and men

caveman: ugh

i was in the bathroom and i came back and my coworkers were telling me they saw three mice in my office

me: er
were you in the bathroom this WHOLE time?

caveman: yeah
me: that's 20 minutes

caveman: i had a lot of beef this weekend
me: maybe if you spent less time in the bathroom the mice wouldn't hang out for so long.
caveman: yeah
you're probably right
i'm so on edge now
me: they won't come back now that you're here.
caveman: they were literally crawling around my desk and shit
so nasty
me: did they poop on your desk?
caveman: i dunno
me: if there are little black things on your desk, don't eat them. they are mouse poop, not pumpernickel seeds.
caveman: i know
mouse dookers
me: you know i don't know why people hate mice.
they are actually pretty cute. and they're harmless i mean they don't wear red shorts and sing or anything but they're cute
caveman: maybe because they carry germs
me: haven't you ever heard of stuart little
caveman: ugh yes
me: or ralph, the motorcycle mouse?
they were super cute
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/11onGks1y7L._AA160_.jpg
how can you be grossed out by that?
caveman: i'm not clicking on your link
me: really?
wow you are really afraid of mice
caveman: yes
me: but you're so tall
caveman: and rats
so?
me: they are the ones that are afraid of you
ok rats are grosser.
but still didn't you ever see ratatouille?
caveman: nope
i refuse
me: rats have feelings and dreams too
all they want is a place in life
not the ones in the subway though...just the ones in restaurant kitchens.

Rocky and OPB (Other People's Blogs)

me: i want to do a blog about rocky

and this is the reason i can't get the name i would want:

http://rockytown.blogspot.com/

i hate people.
mrpoopypants: hahahah

nice blog

if you like crap

just sitting there from 2005

me: here's another one

http://rockythecat.blogspot.com/

mrpoopypants: more domain name waste

me: how about this

http://rockyontheweb.blogspot.com/

mrpoopypants: hey that's good

what about rockyweb

me: or this

http://rockymeow.blogspot.com/

ugh it's some BABY

http://rockyweb.blogspot.com/

that baby is OK

mrpoopypants: goddamnit

http://irocky.blogspot.com/

me: but nothing like the awesome rockyportrait Say Hello To My Leetle Frien

wtf

that is a really shitty website

mrpoopypants: which

me: for two reasons, #2 being, it's using simplified chinese

which i hate with a passion

mrpoopypants: http://myhairiseverywhere.blogspot.com/

me: hmm that is a good one

haha

me: sometimes i call rocky "rockyton" with a spanish accent

kind of a play on reggaeton

mrpoopypants: rockytaco

me: pooperscooper is good too

or poops for short

mrpoopypants: or poopyface

me: yeah it's also short for poopyface and poopypants

it's an all-purpose nickname nickname.

i think he actually responds to "poopy" now.
what a good kitty.

Game 5 Pistons vs. Keltics 2nd Half Play by Play

For those of you that missed Game 5 of Eastern Semi Finals, here's how it went as colored by me and my bro on gtalk, both of us relegated to crappy projects in crappy towns somewhere in the midwest:

(warning this is super long. quick but long. kind of like the game in fact.)

me: Celtics 11 pt run in last 3 min (9:42 Right before halftime)
me: :(
bro: there's time
bro: series is tied 2-2 anyway
bro: pistons have leeway
me: Celts have some crazy man on man def going on
me: I know
me: Curses game 6!!! (9:45 Our architects bought us 2nd row, center tix to Game 6 without asking if we'd be in town and of course, I'm not in town and I can't be in town!)
me: I'd have a heart attack if I was there tho
bro: haha
bro: 6 point halftime lead (9:46 In 10 minutes, Celtics went from 6 points down to 6 points ahead)
bro: nothing dire yet
me: Home territ (9:46 I know how crazy Boston fans are)
me: Go rasheed!!! My friend of a friend!! (9:47 He sinks a 3. In college my friend said she knew him.)
bro: s'ok
bro: go bald spot
me: Heh
me: Are the pistons using zone def
bro: i couldn't tell
bro: you can tell if they're playing zone defense by watching the defense as a whole
bro: if you notice guys hovering around in their own little pocket of space
bro: and you don't see them chasing diligently after a player who's running around
bro: probably playing zone
bro: otherwise if it's man-to-man
bro: each and every defender has to try his best to keep up
with and as close to the guy he's guarding
me: Yah I think pists were zoning
me: Holy cow what happened to pretty boy ray allen? (10:43 My boss didn't last. We leave the bar and retire to our rooms.)
me: Is that the guy that was in the spike lee joint? (10:44 After seeing He Got Game I distinctly remember thinking he was so hot while my friend Q-bert rolled his eyes and called him a total pansy wallflower)
bro: wha you mean what happen
bro: yea
bro: is he uglier to you now?
bro: haha
me: Yah ugly!!!
me: All skinny and shiZnit
bro: maybe because he's bald and doesn't have movie makeup
me: Yah
me: Fo sheezy
me: The pists are pist
me: Wallace only shooting 3s!! (10:49, Rasheed just shot his 3rd 3-pointer in a row)
bro: he's feeling it
bro: he should keep doing that
me: They need to raise the baskets (10:51 It's just become too easy for these 6'6 guys)
me: He's on a hot streak!
me: The charles barkley ads r pretty funny (10:54 The T-mobile Fave 5 ones)
bro: chuck is great
me: Its turrble
me: Everyones knuckle heads I tell ya
bro: ha
me: Holy shit that's knicks coach (11:06 they show this guy who looks like some other basketball coach I've seen before)
me: Or lakers
bro: who
bro: van gundy?
bro: former knicks coach
me: Stop picking on my friend (of a friend) wallace!!! (11:07 I think someone was knocking him around)
me: No... Knicks coach maybe??
me: Yessss (11:08 Wallace hits another 3)
bro: 4 point game
bro: who are you saying is the former knicks coach
me: Who is bostin coach
bro: did they show his face
bro: the boston coach, doc rivers, used to play for the knicks
for a little bit
me: F* but then yesssss (11:08 Prettyboy Ray hits a 3 but then Pistons make a basket)
me: Hmm no
me: Yeah
bro: the detroit coach looks like a cross between an ex-knicks
coach (pat riley) and the ex-rockets coach (rudy T)
me: He is this guy who looks very loosely like michael douglas
me: And used to always slick back his hair
me: He has gra y hair
me: Pat riley!!!
me: That wasn't pat riley???
me: Maybe pat riley is there watching??
bro: not that i see
bro: it's not pat riley
bro: but he looks very much like pat
bro: his name is flip saunders
me: Ohhhh
me: OUch (11:15 Chauncey gets totally reamed in the gut)
me: He's cute
bro: three free throws. YOU BETTER HIT THESE (11:18 Chauncey makes all three - it was worth getting that beat down.)
me: Um he losthis hot streak (11:19 My boy Rasheed has just bounced his 3rd 3-pointer in a row)
me: Rw that is
bro: yea :(
me: Holy shit I am so stressed
me: I take iit back he's not cute (11:20 I just found some pics of Flip Saunders on the internets)
bro: hah
me: ARghhhh!! (11:21 Paul Pierce hits both free throws)
me: Hah!!! (11:22 Stuckey makes both his free throws)
me: Pierce looks like terrence howard lil bro
bro: haha
bro: it's the facial hair
me: Great
me: ha!! (11:24 The Rookie is the new RW, hitting a 3 pointer and closing the game to 1 point)
bro: WOOOO
bro: 1 point game (11:25 I am freaking out. I email my boss: "1pt game!! 1+ min left")
me: Did u see all those botched frees
bro: yech
bro: the guy who hit that three pointer looks like fifty cent (11:26 Everyone thinks The Rookie looks like 50 Cent)
me: Hm I dunno what fitty cnt look like
me: What is postup?
me: Alrit
me: Pistons done for
me: I love 4th qtr foul dramas
me: Wtf is up w/ everyone poking detroit??? (11:34 Rip Hamilton, despite or maybe because? wearing a face mask, gets poked in the eye)
bro: tough defense
bro: inevitably there will be some contact
bro: detroit's going to do the same thing right back
me: Ugh
me: They can just run out the clock now...
me: Unless they foul that kid that keeps missing free throws (11:35 I'm talking Rajon Rondo)
bro: that's the plan
bro: blugh
bro: He Got Game is a good free throw shooter (11:36 What do you say now, Qbert!?! Qbert is married now and doesn't even know this blog exists.)
me: Argh!!! (11:36 The Rookie misses the first three throw.)
bro: ah dammit.
me: Oh gees
me: Hrt attack!! (11:37 8+ seconds left)
me: !!!!
bro: bwoargh
bro: poor rookie
bro: earn your money, young one
me: He shud have hit the first one and missed the second one!! (11:39 Stuckey messes up his free throw strat)
me: Sigh.......
bro: yea he just messed up
me: Oh weelll
bro: he meant to miss the second one too
me: Good game
me: Ugh
me: What r chances they will win in boston for game 7
me: :(
bro: decent chance
me: Ray sounds like chuck (Barkley, that is)
bro: Game 6 is in Detroit
bro: they can win that one
bro: and they've beaten boston at home, so it's possible
bro: detroit and boston have the two best records in the league this season -- it's not lopsided -- so it's anybody's series
me: Hmmm
bro: i.e. Boston is not a runaway favorite in my opinion
me: Where do the finals get played
bro: if the pistons win, every eastern game will be in detroit
bro: and every western game will be in either san antonio or los angeles, depending on who wins out west
me: well if the pists win I will schedule my trips around the games
me: Ok going ta bed nite nite
bro: ok
bro: nite

Happy Madre's Day

me: i drunk dialed my mom last night
t_more01: ummm
what?
me: you read me
t_more01: ummm
wait, what?
what time was it?
me: amy was over and we shared wine and then we saw it was midnight so she went home

t_more01: uh-huh
she's married, right?
me: yeah
t_more01: so then you drunk-dialed your mom?
that's actually awesome
me: anyway. i told her i am on my sleep-well plan which i was busting, since it was past 12 and
she was still over.
so she went home
and i was like, hey, my mom should be on the sleep-well program too
she goes to bed way too late and she's always so tired looking
so i called her up and was like, what are you doing awake? you should go to bed!
but i was kinda drunk
t_more01: hahaha
and what did she say?
me: she started telling me all these stories
and finally i cut her off and was like
what does any of this have to do with you not going to sleep early??
you need to go to bed now! stat!
and she was like haha, ok.
she likes it when i reprimand her to take care of herself. she feels like it means i care.
t_more01: well, it does mean you care
that's nice
me: i don't think she noticed i was drunk. which is good.
t_more01: you know
I wonder about that sometimes
when my folks call me and I'm drunk
me: ?
t_more01: I mean, they know me
so do they notice?
they don't really know me drunk that well
me: my mom straight out will ask me if i'm drunk
t_more01: hahaha
me: my mom knows me both sober and drunk
(she likes me better drunk)
that is both funny and sad.

And now it's time for: Compliments hour

papasfritas: your blog is funny
to people in your life who are featured on it
me: haha
yes only to me
and maybe the occasional friend who reads it
papasfritas: right
me: i think it's really only "funny" if you know me
papasfritas: haha well yeah
that is true
but most blogs are like that
me: maybe...i mean annie is funny
and i don't even know her
even though i feel like i do
and i might as well, since i am intimately familiar with her daily routines as a result of constantly stalking her
but that's different.
papasfritas: that is different
but she's funny for sure
she's got a unique style
and she's got shit to talk about
which is amazing
because not that much happens to me on a daily basis
me: hmmm
actually
she doesn't really have much to write about
but what is amazing is that
the stuff she doesn't have to write about, she writes about it really funnily
[ugly gmail IM heart smiley gif]
papasfritas: right
that's it
me: therefore
she is a good writer
papasfritas: she is
but so are you
I mean, you're a good writer
me: aww...that's so nice!
i really conceded that i am not though
that's why i must rely on ims
but thanks!!
papasfritas: no but like
you know, you write
you're a good writer
me: did you know that you are a good writer?
your emails are funny
papasfritas: haha thanks
it's not really that they're written well
I think they're just sufficiently discongruous to be funny
they're not narrative
me: heh
yeah but like that thing you wrote for mr.seriousface's cookbook was good
papasfritas: haha
thank you
but that was just how I talk transcribed on paper
either way. this was a fun compliment hour.
me: haha yes
your compliment was really nice
papasfritas: and so was yours
we are such nice people
perhaps I should start a blog about that
about how nice I am
I don't know if people fully appreciate that
me: i think you should!
your blog would be great
really funny, and nice as well as whipsmart
papasfritas: HAHAHA
I love compliment hour!
but I've got nothing to write about
oh, sure you do
plenty of fascinating things happen to you each day
wow, that's true. thank you
me: and even if you wrote about nothing, you'd write it really well
like seinfeld and annie
papasfritas: I do love annie
me: [ugly gmail IM heart smiley gif]

When work stinks

caveman: can you call 212-584-6587
can you tell doug to stop farting
Sent at 2:10 PM on Friday
me: ok look you can't ask me to do this stuff during business hours
i sit around too many people
last time it was like, 7:30, so it was ok.
caveman: ok
me: but that guy does have some issues.
caveman: yeah
he needs digestive aids
me: is it the same guy?
caveman: yeah
me: does he know it?
caveman: i took him to eat fried chicken for lunch so it's partly my fault i guess
me: hmmm
well are you dropping stink bombs all over the place?
caveman: no
my farts never stink anyway
me: what are you, a girl?
caveman: nope
actually, they smell really bad. i eat a shitload of red meat.
me: man, you're in the wrong era.

Facebook Follies #1: Drunk posting

fishyeyelid: oh man, I woke up this morning and I was like, holy shit I wrote something drunken and bad on artemis' wall

so I deleted it

me: hahaha

fishyeyelid: before I even showered

me: you can delete it?

hmmm

what did u write?

fishyeyelid:I didn't mean to write "douchebag" on your wall

me: oh

fishyeyelid:that's bad

me: why?

oh because you're calling youself one?

fishyeyelid: I dunno, it's not a nice word

me: oh

fishyeyelid: and what if people don't notice it's me

(it is me, right?)

me: i am the last person in the world you should check your propriety with.

oh people know

horsey pointed u out.

fishyeyelid:but walls are public

me: hmmm

i never realized you are so selectively sensitive

fishyeyelid: yes

yes I am

The brass ring

This year, everyone got promoted.

purplevenus98: so I'm sitting in my new office now
I gotta take advantage
and IM or something
Sent at 9:40 AM on Monday
me: hahaha
how is your new office?
purplevenus98: not bad
a little storage closet-y
we need to decorate it
me: is there no window?
purplevenus98: there are windows
me: hm ok
and you are in there all week?
purplevenus98: but they face a wall
we have 2 offices
because one has a view and one does not
we will rotate them, as well
it's really a bit silly
but I can do whatever I want in here
I guess
yeah
me: wait so are you always going to be in an office from now on?
purplevenus98: nope
that's what's weird
me: ok
purplevenus98: I will be in one half of the time
and out of that half
me: so it's like this
purplevenus98: half in this one
me: week one: desk
purplevenus98: half in the other ones
me: week two: office with window
week three: desk
week four: office with no window
purplevenus98: repeat
me: welcome to VPness!!
purplevenus98: thanks
you know what I've been doing all morning
me: no
purplevenus98: and have at least another half an hour before I can finish?
putting everyone's tasks for the next 2 weeks into a spreadsheet
with percentages
and affected groups
me: wow
management SUCKS!!!
purplevenus98: hahaha
me: you know this is going on blog right
purplevenus98: I hope so
(including this part)

The thing I had to share with the world

me: you there?
iridetheJ: hey
me: ok you're probably busy seeing as you're a VP and all now so I'll just sit here and talk amongst myself because i HAVE to tell you what just happened
iridetheJ: i'm busy?
me: oh wait you're there
iridetheJ: you're busy!
me: i know, i know
ok.
so we got this new admin in MI, who everyone loves. well, my prop mgr loves her, and so does our HR lady. but she loves everyone. anyway, her first day was last thursday, which is when i was out there so when i came back everyone was all blah blah blah what'd you think?? and you know, i think she's nice and whatever, and she seems professional, but like, the things i care about only time will tell. you know, like if you make a lot of mistakes, and how big are the mistakes and how careful/careless you are, and IF YOU SHOW UP (our old admin called out sick or personal almost every week)
iridetheJ: sure. as long as you're cute.
me: (she's not)
so anyway, I called the office yesterday morning, and the new admin picks up. she goes "Skyline Re-la-ty Services"
!!!!!
I am floored.
iridetheJ: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me: I told her "BTW, It's Skyline Realty Services, not RE-la-ty" and she's like, What? oh ok.
anyway, so I call the office later that afternoon, and again, new admin picks up. I swear to god I thought I heard "Skyline Re-la-ty Services!" again, but I am too shocked so I think maybe I was just hearing things.
So this morning I call again. New admin picks up. "Skyline Re-la-ty Services"
!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!
iridetheJ: HAHAHAHAHA
me: I go,"Tara! you said re-la-ty!!"
iridetheJ: HAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahahahaha
wait you said that?
me: and she goes "Oh, I did? How do you say it?"
yeah I said it, but not all yelly like - just kind of surprised like
and I go "It's REAL-ty"
and she goes "RE-la-ty"
I go, "No, REAL-ty, REAL-ty!"
and she goes "Real-Real-RE-la-ty!"
!!!!!
iridetheJ: HAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahaha
me: argh!!!
so i say, "ok, it’s REALTY, as in, 'hey that's REAL TEA, not FAKE TEA!'"
and she goes, "ok, Real Tea! that's good. I have to practice that."
iridetheJ: can I call her?
me: !!!!!!!!!!
yes, yes you can. but wait, you might get the old admin.
iridetheJ: what should I say?
how do I get the new one? forget it, it's too complicated.
me: I'll call and talk to the old one, so that the new one has to pick up. Ok ready?
iridetheJ: ok
me: just ask for me or something. and stall. play along.
ok call 313-227-1469*

(a smidgen amount of time elapses)

iridetheJ: RE
LA
TY!
me: !!!!!!
WTF!!!
what happened to the REAL TEA??
iridetheJ: it's fake!
wow. I thought maybe it would be a little vague, but no. it's clear as day. Re-la-ty.
can you maybe have her say something like Real Estate Services?
I know it's not the same but
me: I'll just have her say "Good morning, this is Skyline" or something like that
iridetheJ: her english sounds good
me: no, she's fine, she's normal. it's like nukiller. or li-berry
iridetheJ: haha li-berry
she's looking for your number...
me: forget it just hang up
iridetheJ: the thing about stuff like that is
me: she COMES FROM property management!
iridetheJ: if you can't say it chances are you don't need it
me: ?
iridetheJ: like, if you can't say library, you probably don't go that often
me: haha, ok
well
this lady is in real estate.
she needs to be able to say REAL TEA!

* You didn't think I'd put our real number in there, did you?