New DVR remote = More efficient time wasting

One Sunday, my remote control stopped working. I felt confused, anxious and slightly nervous and after pacing around my living room for a little bit, I took the plunge and went down to my parents apt. As a temporary solution, the risk of finding them there was worth the reward of watching hours upon hours of mindless TV, or so I thought. I didn't have the TV on for more than 7 minutes before my mom came in and started asking me all sorts of questions including but not limited to why I didn't have a boyfriend, why I wasn't folding laundry while I watched TV, why my brother didn't book them a cheaper ticket to Orlando than our cousin did for our uncle, and why the guy who was just killed on LOST was still alive. Obviously I didn't know the answers to any of that but I did know this: I had to call RCN ASAP and get my own remote.

So on Monday the first thing I did when I got to the office was dial up RCN. All I wanted to know was where the RCN office was so I could hand in my broken remote and get a new one - hopefully the one with the specially shaped buttons to match the pictures on my screen. After spending 45 minutes punching in a series of numbers so the RCN phone system can locate me, some lady picks up and asks me for permission to record this conversation for quality control purposes [read: so we will have a recording of you when you verbally abuse our customer service associates]. Hastily, I reply yes. Afterall, all I really want is the address of the nearest RCN office. She proceeds to ask me for my address, my phone number, my date of birth, and what my very first pet's name was. I tell her that I just want to know where RCN is located, which she glosses over but not before asking me to start diagnosing the problem.

Me: I just need a new remote. Mine is broken.
Rep: How do you know it's broken?
Me: Well, I replaced the battery, and that wasn't it.
Rep: Ok, would you please turn your cable box off for one minute.
Me: I'm not at home.
Rep: Would you like to call back when you are at home?
Me: No, I just want to know where the nearest RCN is.
Rep: Miss we need to make sure the problem is with your remote.
Me: Well I know it's the remote, and not the cable box.
Rep: How do you know this, Miss?
Me: I used my parents' remote, and that worked fine.
Rep: Ok, Miss.
[typing]
[typing]
[typing]
Me: Hello?
Rep: Yes Miss.
Me: Um, can you just tell me where the RCN office here is??
Rep: Yes Miss.

So she tells me where it is, and then tells me that I need to bring a photo ID and 3 months worth of my RCN statements. Twice. For a remote control. Who are these people?

Needless to say, the next day, I brought my old remote in along with all my documentation. I even brought my birth certificate for good measure. This is how it went down. The lady that sits behind the glass panel saw me coming in and held out her hand. I pulled out my remote and slipped it under the panel. She took it and swapped it out for a brand new remote, complete with batteries, and those coveted buttons.

I am now on my couch happily watching endless reruns of Without a Trace.

IM me!

mrpoopypants: it's settled then
you'll do it
oh yeah tony is one of my fav chatters
can't believe i forgot him
me: zzzzzzzzzzzz
whatever
i don't want to hear about all the people you like chatting with unless the list looks something like this:
a) artemis
b) artemis
c) artemis
d) artemis
e) artemis
f) everyone else when artemis isn't online.
mrpoopypants: those are all the same person FYI
me: yeah but for different purposes
mrpoopypants: that list should really only have one item in it
me: a) artemis - cuz I found something funny on the internets
b) artemis- cuz i need to vent about work and no one else is such a good listener
c) artemis- rocky story
mrpoopypants: true
me: d) artemis- what's she doing now?
e) artemis- i'm gonna bait her about politiks
mrpoopypants: those are all reasons i chat with you!
me: f) shit she's not online.

If you're The Man,

avoid 2nd and 2nd at all costs.

Yes, this is on every walk light at that intersection.

Captain, please turn on the seatbelt sign

I've never asked for this before, but OMG seriously. I need some turbulence, BIGTIME! I’m on a 6 hour flight to Cali and somehow I got stuck in the plane's romper room. How do people find this acceptable? There's a family of three toddlers back here and although they’re accompanied by three adults, they’re jumping around, screaming and running up and down the aisles. Where are the flight attendants? Wait you're in the back playing Sudoku and reading US Weekly? I didn't know I bought a ticket on Laissez Faire Airlines!! Since adults don’t feel like taking these mini demons under control, I am now praying to Buddha, God and Jesus and Baby Jesus Joseph and Mary Mother of God for some weather event to shake these kids into submission. (I know Guys, I'm usually asking you to stop the bumping and shaking.) C’mon, anything. Jostle us a little. Or a lot. Throw in some rumbling. Let’s even drop a few feet. Sound that DING. “……The Captain has just turned on the seatbelt sign. Please take your seats immediately and buckle in.” Anything? Anything? Nada? It’s all sunny and clear? Wow I can actually see canyons and mountain ranges. Beautiful. But those KIDS ARE STILL GOING CRAZY! Let me scare the guy next to me by reminding him of that recent flight that hit an air pocket and dropped so hard some lady cracked her skull on the ceiling of the cabin. It didn’t work. Hey buddy, check out this picture on the front of my paper that shows the DC Metro train crash. No dice. No, stop feeding them Coke. Argh!

When we were young, we had Where's Waldo

To the children of today, I present:

Where's Rocky

And you thought Brazilians were hot

I just got back from Israel. It was a really memorable trip to an amazing, historical site blah blah blah Jerusalem blah blah blah Dead Sea blah blah Armenian Quarter zzzzzzzz.

Look. All you need to know about Israel, and Tel Aviv in particular, if you didn't know this already, is that the people are hot. HOT. As in rugged and gorgeous and good looking. The men AND women. I'm not sure why and I tried to break it down as such: the women like to have their hair long and flowing and like to wear shiny dangly earrings and bare their nice tanned shoulders. Speaking of tans, everyone there is casually tanned, the "ah I was playing paddle ball on the beach for a little too long" tan not the "I just evened myself off on the tanning bed" tan. Guys have good hair and even if they don't, they do that scruffy unshaven thing which wouldn't really fly here but works there. Everyone's got dazzly sunglasses and is in good shape and has a confident casual air about them. I could go on, but here's the thing. I realized that this good looking thing is purely because they're there. After spotting a few guys who one might consider hot, and being completely surprised after hearing their American and even Australian accents, I realized something was up. At the airport, I tried to picture the guy looking for bombs in my luggage (yes, hot) at a bar in NYC. He would have looked less hot there - in fact, I don't think I would have even noticed him. I think. When barthie was taking a picture of all of us girls at the wedding, he remarked, You know, you guys are the best looking crew out of your grad school I've seen. At the time I thought "Naturally." but now I realize it was just the Israeli factor. So yeah, if you need a quick upper just take a trip to Israel and you will be magically transformed into a creature of beauty admired for your aesthetics alone.