He may be a chickenhawk, but he ain't no sausage

horsey: I was just reading some of Toney's ideas

(one of the directors)

he keeps writing scenes where "and then Horsey walks in with his shirt off like its completely normal"

fuckers, I don't even take my shirt off, and somehow there is already the joke that I take my shirt off all the time

its so infuriating ... Toney has a picture of himself on the beach, with a surfboard, as his profile picture ... and I have a decent picture ... AND I'M THE SAUSAGE IN THE SITUATION!

me: i think it's just you

why does toney have an e in his name?

horsey: I don't know

He isn't Italian

something else

Norse or something

lol

yo, what do you mean its just me

what about me screams, omg, he takes his shirt off all the time and acts like a sausage, so it would be funny if he walked in with his shirt off

I swear to god, I lean backwards and actually keep my shirt ON all the time, when everyone takes it off.

People didn't even know I was ripped till like December of last year, because my t-shirt rode up when I was taking off my sweater.

me: well for one thing

you like to complain about it an awful lot

horsey: ?!

me: so i think if you were to have a year where you glued your shirt on

you'd complain about it

and thus everyone would go, oh yeah, horsey, the guy who always has his shirt off

horsey: no, then it'd be, Horsey the guy who complains that his shirt is on

but I wouldn't complain about it

I'm only complaining to you

I don't say anything here

I just laugh

me: hmmmm

hmmmmm

hmmmmm

ok.

also, i think it's the way you walk around

you walk around with your chest puffed out

kinda like this:

horsey:Are you serious ... do I really

omg

I can't help it, my chest is out

me:

look

he's even brown like you!!

In case you were wondering

----- Original Message ----
From: artemis
To: el grammar jefe
Sent: Tuesday 5:57:42 PM
Subject: which is the rightest?

a) of course I'd rather eat less preservatives

b) of course I'd rather eat fewer preservatives

c) of course I'd rather eat less in preservatives

what the writer is trying to convey:

it's not that I want fewer different types of presevatives

I want less preservatives by volume in my food

it's sorta like less honey

----- Response Message ----
From: el grammar jefe
To: artemis
Sent: Tuesday 6:14:02 PM
Subject: Re: which is the rightest?

you'd pretty much go with a if those are your only choices. though, as always, with something that is a little sticky like that, you'd probably just be as well off with a rewrite.

- of course i would want to cut down on preservatives

- of course, my preference is to decrease my intake of preservatives

- of course i'm hoping that preservatives make up less of my diet in the future

- in a perfect world, the grand majority of my intake would be preservative-free

- i see the future, and the future is not well preserved

- etc.

MADMEN post incurs vitriolic response

horsey: some link

this guy's neck

ugh

nightmares, will have

me: haha you mean the turkey rolls?

yummalicious!

horsey: wtf, do people's necks look like that?

I think that guy has a goiter

why did you post that picture

argh

I'm gonna have the worst nightmares tonight

me: what is wrong with you

you are an odd bird

horsey: "odd bird" hahaha

I like that

Horsey's new status message - artemis: "You are an odd bird" 3:52 PM

horsey: it's like he is a giant action figure, and some naughty titan child twisted his head around and around

or maybe just heated his neck on the stove and pushed his head in

me: you know

that is not the first thing i would notice about that photo

horsey: how do you not see that

!

me: the first thing i would notice is that there is this GIANT ASS-FACE RIGHT NEXT TO MY HEAD

horsey: its right there

me: if i had to sit there

horsey: at least the giant face doesn't have a goiter

me: you are seriously a weirdo

who is this

this isn't even horsey is it

horsey: did you see that guy!

LOOK AT HIS NECK

me: christ already

calm down about his neck

horsey: why are you acting like everything is normal when there is a horror there, right before your very eyes

me: hey horsey

the freakstore called

they're running out of you.

BRA HA!

horsey: hey, Artemis, the empathy store called in, they said they haven't shipped any of your orders for a year

my whole day is ruined

nay, not day, week

yes, my whole week is ruined

I'm gonna go look at my neck now

to see if its gonna turn into that sausage-rounds abomination

me: don't worry, it's been like that for ages

no one notices or cares any more.

Things I suck at #2

Facebook.

It's hard. Every time I do it, it goes pretty much like this:

11:01PM Log on.

11:02PM Nothing new on my "wall" and no new messages. (nobody loves me)

11:03PM Check notifications. Everyone else is getting tagged, poked and hit by sheep. (everyone but me.)

11:04PM Write on Daisy's wall "Yo, wassssssssap?!?!?!?!111 :P :P :) ??!?!?!"

11:06PM Ooo. 3 people have sent me Green Peace Patch plants. I accept them all. Now I have $50,000 in Greenpeace dollars. I rock! (these are the same 3 people who invited me to Scramble, Scrabulous, and Your Sexy Friends. the last time I talked to these 3 people, the world was bullish on Amazon.com and people still used Walkmans)

11:07PM I want to get to $100,000 in Greenpeace dollars so I find 50 people to send this application to. (none of whom will add this.)

11:29PM Brad has sexyflirted with me. Chad has sexyflirted with me. Rob has sexyflirted with me. Who are you people!? I uninstall the Your Sexy Friends crapplication. (but not before checking out those profiles.)

11:30PM I throw kimchee at soccerlover99, and then check out his profile. Ooo. He has an I [heart] Taiwan application. I add it and send it to 17 of my friends. Surely they love Taiwan too! (no one will accept this)

11:57PM Someone I haven't spoken to since 2001 sends me a crappy gif of a golden lotus. I accept it and add the Good Karma application. And send it out to 20 friends that I haven't talked to in the last 5 years, including the ones who sent me the What kind of Mummy are you? application and the Find Your LOST Soulmate quiz. Finally I am beginning to learn! (still, no one will add this)

12:13PM I notice some blinking going on at the bottom of my screen. Someone's been imming me - it's Pierre from school! I haven't talked to him since graduation. But that was half an hour ago. He's since logged off. I guess I'll talk to him next time/never. I click into Pierre's profile. Wow, he's got two kids...Wasn't he single when we graduated? Time flies. Oh and now he lives in Seychelles and has his own cupcake cafe. Cool, I guess.

1:04AM I just spent the last 51 minutes testing my IQ. Must score higher than Angelina Jolie! Wait, I have to send this thing to 127 friends and take two sponsored surveys to get my score?? Grr... tis your lucky day, Angie. Your high IQ remains unbeaten for a few more days.

1:05AM soccerlover99 has these cute things called Eyesores. I want some! To get some I have to send some. I send carefully selected Eyesores to 14 of my closest friends who will surely think these are cute and will surely send me some back. (no one will accept them, and further, no one will send me any.)

1:34AM WTF?!?! Did I really just spent two and a half hours on Facebook!?

1:35AM I check my "wall." Still, no one has written on it. Sigh.

1:36AM I check my messages. Still, no one has sent me any. Sigh.

1:37AM I log out.

Poopyface has better luck at FB than I do.

Of mice and men

caveman: ugh

i was in the bathroom and i came back and my coworkers were telling me they saw three mice in my office

me: er
were you in the bathroom this WHOLE time?

caveman: yeah
me: that's 20 minutes

caveman: i had a lot of beef this weekend
me: maybe if you spent less time in the bathroom the mice wouldn't hang out for so long.
caveman: yeah
you're probably right
i'm so on edge now
me: they won't come back now that you're here.
caveman: they were literally crawling around my desk and shit
so nasty
me: did they poop on your desk?
caveman: i dunno
me: if there are little black things on your desk, don't eat them. they are mouse poop, not pumpernickel seeds.
caveman: i know
mouse dookers
me: you know i don't know why people hate mice.
they are actually pretty cute. and they're harmless i mean they don't wear red shorts and sing or anything but they're cute
caveman: maybe because they carry germs
me: haven't you ever heard of stuart little
caveman: ugh yes
me: or ralph, the motorcycle mouse?
they were super cute
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/11onGks1y7L._AA160_.jpg
how can you be grossed out by that?
caveman: i'm not clicking on your link
me: really?
wow you are really afraid of mice
caveman: yes
me: but you're so tall
caveman: and rats
so?
me: they are the ones that are afraid of you
ok rats are grosser.
but still didn't you ever see ratatouille?
caveman: nope
i refuse
me: rats have feelings and dreams too
all they want is a place in life
not the ones in the subway though...just the ones in restaurant kitchens.